Kinky Undertaker
by EverLastingXLove
Summary: Lets just say the Undertaker is a very Kinky horny lonely man, and if you dont have very good jokes he wants you to step inside his fanstasy room. I DO NOT OWN BLACK BUTLER OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS!


One gloomy morning at the Phantomhive manor Ciel was sitting at his desk eating his breakfast while looking threw paper work until Sebastian came in with a letter from the queen. The letter said something about a random killing spree.

"Do you think it is Grell?" Ciel asked.

"I wouldn't know young master." Sebastian smiled.

"I see, just to be safe let's ask the Undertaker for some information" Ciel sighed.

"Yes my lord, but what shall we do about Lau and his friend Ran-mao?" Sebastian asked.

"Ah yes, they are suppose to be here soon….we will take them with us" Ciel sighed.

Meanwhile at the Shinigami Dispatch Society Grell was in Williams office being lectured for losing his death scythe.

"Grell, how could you lose your death scythe? Do you know how important that is to your job?" William yelled.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to lose it!" Grell whined.

"Where did you have it last?" William asked.

"Um well I went to visit that sexy Undertaker….and I set it down on a coffin, then after I left I got distracted by a clothing store near his shop and it had really cute shoes" Grell said.

"So did you leave it at the Undertakers or the clothing store?" William sighed as he rubbed his temples.

"Uh….that's the problem….I don't know" Grell said with an nervous smile.

William's eyebrow twitched and he glared at the red headed reaper in front of him.

"You don't know?" he said threw his teeth.

"Heh…nope….I got distracted after I left the clothing store…" Grell muttered.

"What did you get distracted by?"

"Well…I um….I saw Sebastian and his little brat….so I kinda decided to fallow him since I had a camera on me" Grell said with a cheesy smile. "I….I got some great pictures….do y-you want to see?"

"Grell Sutcliff! You think that stupid demon is more important thank your death scythe?" William growled.

"No I love my death scythe! It's just that…..Sebastian….he looking extra steamy that day….." Grell said with a deep red blush.

"Never mind we have to find it before someone picks it up, we are going to the Undertaker's to ask information" William said as he stood from his desk.

"Oh ok I'll stay here" Grell smiled.

"No Grell. Your coming with me!" William said as he grabbed a handful of Grell's red hair and started pulling him out of the office.

"Ah! So forceful Will….I like it!" Grell squealed.

Back in England Ciel, Sebastian, Lau and Ran-mao were standing in front of Undertakers shop.

"This place is so gloomy…" Lau sighed as he wrapped his arms around Ran-mao and started stroking her arm.

"Let's go" Ciel said as they all walked into the shop.

"Undertaker are you here?" Ciel called then a tall dark figure came out of a near by coffin with a creepy grin on his face.

"Welcome Earl, do you want to see how it feels to sleep in my custom made coffin?" he smiled as he walked toward his guests.

"No….I came here seeking information" Ciel said seriously.

"Ah, I see…..you know the payment give me some good fun laughs" he grinned.

"Right…" Ciel sighed then he was interrupted by William and Grell walking into the shop.

"Oh welcome Ms. Grell, ….William" he smiled.

"Bassy!" Grell squealed as he glomped the poor demon butler.

"What can I do for you my friends?" Undertaker smiled.

"We need to know where Grell's death scythe is….he seemed to have lost it" William sighed.

"I see…..well I will tell you if you give me laughs, same goes with you Earl" Undertaker smiled.

"Fine…." William said with a frustrated sigh.

"Wonderful! You go first Earl!"

"Alright….What flower grows on your face?" Ciel sighed.

"What kind Earl?"

"Tulips" Ciel said broadly.

The Undertaker said nothing and just started blankly at Ciel. Then Sebastian leaned over to Ceil and placed his lips to the young boys ear.

"I'm sorry for saying this but….your not much of a joke teller young master" Sebastian whispered.

"Shut up! Jokes are meaningless!" Ciel blushed.

"Do not fret Earl! I have one that will knock him off his feet!" Lau smiled as he stepped forward.

The Undertaker smiled excitedly at the strange man's confidence and moves closer to him.

"What is the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?" Lau smiled.

There was not an answer everyone was just staring at him very confused.

"Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!" he laughed.

"I can pee soup….." Undertaker said as he just stood there obviously un amused

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" Ciel grumbled.

"What? Ran-mao thinks its funny don't you my dear?" he smiled as he turned to the young girl clinging to his side.

She nodded her head with and emotionless expression on her face and cuddle closer to him.

"See she's dieing of laughter you can tell by her expression!" Lau smiled.

Then Ran-mao tugged on Lau's sleeve and looked up blankly at his face.

"Oh you want to give a try? Go a head!" Lau smiled.

Ran-mao nodded and walked over to the Undertaker still with an expressionless face.

"Oh I see the beautiful dolly wants a go!" Undertaker smiled as Ran-mao grabbed his hand and pulled him near a coffin.

Then she hopped on the coffin and spread her legs revealing everything under her skirt….lets just say she wasn't wearing anything underclothes. Undertaker said nothing and just stared at her with a small blush on his cheek, Ceil turned away his face bright red.

"That was very nice dolly….but not that funny" Undertaker muttered.

Then Lau let out a small chuckle and moved over to her and closed her legs.

"Here is not the place to do that kitten, but that was a good one" he smiled as he put his arms around her once again.

"I'll try!" Grell smiled as he let go of Sebastian's arm and walked toward the Undertaker.

"Very well I always enjoy your jokes Ms. Grell" he said with a fond smile.

"Do you have a mirror in your pants?" Grell asked as his cheeks turned red.

"No….why do you ask?" Undertaker asked confused.

"Because I see myself in your pants!" Grell smiled as he glomped him.

"Ms. Grell that wasn't a joke….that was a statement….a very smart statement that will get you in my coffin…..come back later" Undertaker whispered in his ear that caused Grell to have a nose bleed and fall to the floor.

"I will try now" William said. "Motion with your finger for a girl to come over, when she gets there say 'I knew if I fingered you long enough you'd cum" William said with a calm business like face making it very creepy and awkward.

"Wow William…that just made yourself ten times more hotter than you already were!" Grell squealed as he ran over to him but William stopped him by grabbing a handful of his hair.

"I'm sorry Willy…..but I'm afraid that was just plane weird…." Undertaker said.

"That proves you don't know a good joke when your hear one" William said as he pushed up his glasses.

"I thought it was hilarious and sexy Will" Grell said with a flirtatious smile.

"Quite" William sighed.

Ciel sighed his face was as red as a tomato now as he stared at everyone surrounding him.

"You are all a bunch of perverted idiots" he sighed.

Then Sebastian stepped forward and smiled at the Undertaker.

"Please allow me to try young master"

"Very well…do as you please" Ciel sighed.

"You might want to cover your ears." Sebastian suggested.

"I'm not a child just get on with it Sebastian!" Ciel snapped.

"Yes, my lord" Sebastian smiled as he moved his attention toward Undertaker.

"Little Billy came home one day to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his father came home Billy said, "father our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee father that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when father came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Father, father we almost lost Mother today!" "What do you mean?" said father. "Well father, I came home early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mother flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" Sebastian smiled.

Then the Undertaker busted into uncontrollable laughter and felt to the floor holding his sides.

"You are such a hilarious butler!" he laughed as drool spilled over his lips from his random outburst of laughter.

"Not only am I one hell of a butler, I'm also one hell of joker" Sebastian smiled.

"Great….my butler is a closet pervert" Ceil sighed.

"I thought it was hot!" Grell shouted causing everyone to stare at him. "What….you all know it's true…." Grell blushed.

"Yes, anyway…may we have our information now?" Sebastian asked kindly.

"Yes of course" Undertaker smiled as he whispered the information into the butler's ear.

"Do you want to see my third leg?" he whispered in Sebastian's ear.

Sebastian shuttered and moved away from the insane man.

"I…that wasn't very appropriate….may I have the information please?" Sebastian said uncomfortably.

"What information?….I don't have anything involving those murders…." Undertaker sighed.

"Then why did you have us tell you all those jokes? Ciel yelled.

"Because…I was getting board….and I wanted a good laugh…." Undertaker sighed.

"Ridicules….lets go Sebastian" Ceil sighed as he walked toward the door.

"Yes young master" Sebastian smiled as he, Lau, and Ran-mao followed him out the door. Leaving only Grell and William with the Undertaker.

"So Ms. Grell….do you want to see my third leg?" Undertaker grinned.

"OH YES! Your making me burning hot for you my dear Undertaker! Let us each other of our clothing!" Grell squealed as he ran over to the nearest coffin. "You may be on top!" he smiled as he started to strip.

"GRELL!" William shouted.

"What?" Grell muttered as he started to unbutton his shirt.

"We didn't come here to play games! Now tell us where Grell's scythe is!" William said angrily.

"I know where it is….but you have to give me payment…." Undertaker smirked.

"We already told you our jokes!" William sighed.

"I know that….but that wasn't the payment I was seeking…." Undertaker smirked.

"What is it that you want?" William asked.

"You William…..please step into my fantasy room…." Undertaker smiled as he opened a door revealing a dark room.

"No" William said disgusted.

"Do you want Ms. Grell's scythe back or not?" Undertaker smirked.

William sighed and walked into the room.

"Heh heh heh good boy" Undertaker smirked as he shut the door.

Grell frowned and sat on a near by coffin _How rude….they didn't invite me….._Grell frowned.

"Oh William! don't touch me there touch me here!" Undertaker said with a maniacal laugh. "Oh Willy….yes nnggg ahhh! You naughty boy!"

"Sounds like they are having fun….." Grell pouted as he started to play with the ends of his hair.

Then with in a few hours William came out with messy hair, crooked classes, and his shirt was un buttoned, his tie sticking out of his pants, his pants unbuttoned, and bruises all over his neck and chest.

"How was it! It sounded wonderful!" Grell blushed with a dreamy gaze.

"You owe me big time…" William grumbled as he fixed his glasses.

Then Undertaker came out of the room with Grell's scythe and handed it to him.

"T-thank you" Grell stuttered as he took the scythe from his hands.

"Your welcome come back anytime Willy….same goes for you Grell….." Undertaker grinned.

"Don't count on it" William said coldly as he grabbed Grell by the hair and disappeared.

After they left Undertaker laid in a near by coffin while munching on bone shaped dog biscuits.

"Retiring as a shinigami was the best thing I've ever done" he smirked .

**A/N: I know they are all probably OOC but this was just written for fun and I was board so yea. I hope you enjoyed the story! : )**


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